


Knowing What's Been Lost

by bluestargirl6 (pressdbtwnpages)



Category: The OC
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-05
Updated: 2004-03-04
Packaged: 2017-10-04 10:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 12,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pressdbtwnpages/pseuds/bluestargirl6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a main character dies how will it impact Newport?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ryan pulled his now familiar suit on numbly and tried not to remember. Things like this weren't supposed to happen here. This is Newport, sun and sand and safety. Ryan found his pre-knotted tie and tried not to think of the person who had tied it. He was only sixteen and he'd been to far too many funerals of friends. Ryan grabbed his keys and left the pool house. He avoided the main house as he'd done so often lately. Kirsten and Sandy would want to talk, they always wanted to talk, and he just wasn't ready yet.

Ryan drove down a street and glanced again at the directions he had printed off the internet. He had never been to Newport's cemetery and he hadn't wanted to ask for directions to a friend's gravesite. He turned left, he was getting close. It was a nice neighborhood, pretty. Ryan hoped the cemetery had a view of the ocean. No! No more thinking about it, it's over. Ryan sighed. No matter how many friends he buried this never got any easier.

Ryan slowed down as he deliberately drove past the cemetery. It was very Newport, intimidating metal gates and large ornate tombstones. Nicer than the one in Chino. Ryan made a U-turn. You'd think they'd make cemeteries less depressing, or maybe people will just never be comfortable around the dead.

He drove through the gates and wondered where to go, he still didn't want to ask directions to a friend's gravesite. He parked in the large main parking lot and followed some vaguely familiar people through the grass. It was a pretty day, a nice day to be outside. Then again, it's never a nice day for a funeral. He idly read gravestones as he walked, lots of babies in this part of the cemetery. It's worse to bury a teenager, Ryan decided, you don't really get a chance to know babies that well. But then Ryan had never had to bury a baby.

This was it, Ryan took a deep breath as he reached the gravesite. He looked around at all of the people, and half-smiled. Not a bad turn-out for someone who had felt so very alone. Sure there were a lot of adults, parents' friends and co-workers, but there were lots of kids from Harbor too. Some definite surprises among the attendees and Ryan wondered why they'd bothered to show up.

Kirsten put her hand on Ryan's shoulder.

"We missed you at home," she said softly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered back, "I just couldn't…"

"It's okay Ryan," Sandy stood at his other side. Ryan felt like crying, again. He realized how the three of them looked standing at the foot of this grave. Silently Ryan read.

SETH COHEN

1986-2004


	2. Chapter 2

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 2/20** _   


Anna stood awkwardly next to Summer. She hadn't known where to stand, where in Seth's life she had fit in. There were no chairs and the service had been mercifully short. The rabbi was saying the final prayer and Anna couldn't shut her eyes. If she shut her eyes she would cry and her dignity would not allow Anna to grieve for Seth in public. That wasn't her right. Summer was Seth's girlfriend; she would be the one to cry for everyone to see.

Summer stood straight with her eyes closed. She felt Anna wriggle next to her. Summer wished she would go away. Seth had been Summer's boyfriend after all. He'd been a good boyfriend. Even if he was sort of a geek, he more than made up for it in the romance department. Summer let out a small mournful sigh and felt Marissa grab her hand in a gesture of support. Summer squeezed her friend's hand in a thank you.

Marissa held Summer's hand and wished it was Ryan's. She wanted to be with him right now, comforting him. Things were awkward though. Seth's dying hadn't automatically fixed that. Poor Seth, poor Ryan. She smiled at him standing with Sandy and Kirsten, trying to fill in for the son they'd lost.

Ryan caught Marissa's smile and quickly closed his eyes. She wanted to comfort him he presumed. So had Theresa when he finally told her what had happened. She had wanted to come today, but Ryan had asked her to stay home. He'd visit the hotel later today, maybe, she could comfort him then. Ryan heard Kirsten finally start to cry, she'd been sniffling delicately since the service had begun. Ryan wrapped an arm around her in an awkward sideways hug.

"Thank you," she whispered, crying a little harder. Sandy moved around Ryan to his wife's side. It had taken the loss of Seth to make them a family and somehow that was so sad.

Julie's family was separated throughout the cemetery. Jimmy stood with several people Julie hadn't recognized, she assumed they were from the restaurant. Marissa stood with Summer, comforting her. She was such a good friend. Caleb was here too, grieving the loss of his only grandchild. As offended as she'd been by his "booty call" maybe she would drop by tonight. Or not, she spotted Luke with his Water Polo buddies. He looked away as she smiled at him.

"Amen." The rabbi concluded, "The Cohen's request that you please join us for refreshments." The rabbi gestured at tables under a striped awning laden with food.

"We request that people join us for refreshments?" Ryan repeated. It sounded inane.

"It's polite," Kirsten explained, slowly opening her eyes, "and it keeps people from dropping by the house to talk."

"It's silly." Sandy stated. "Seth would think it's silly," he shut his mouth suddenly.

"No. You're right," Kirsten rested her hand on Sandy's arm. "He would."

"Seth would think this whole thing is silly," Ryan pointed out. "Look at all of these people. They aren't his real friends. They're just here, just here for the free food!" Ryan exclaimed. Sandy and Kirsten both chuckled softly.

"Maybe so," Kirsten acknowledged. "But they're still our guests and we need to mingle." She stepped away from Sandy and Ryan. "Come on," she prodded. They followed her to the awning.

"Ryan!" Marissa embraced him. "Are you alright?"

"Fine," Ryan resorted to mono-syllables.

"Are you sure?" Ryan nodded. "Well I'm staying with my mom for awhile so if you need me, I'm right next door," Marissa assured him. Seeing Summer talking to Anna out of the corner of her eye Marissa took her opportunity to escape.

"Summer," Anna approached her sometime-friend. "I'm so sorry for your loss." Summer smiled gently.

"He was everybody's loss, don't you think?" she pointed out. Anna smiled with relief.

"You're right. This isn't as weird as I thought it might be."

"Anna," Summer chided, "what could be weird about you and me chatting at the edge of Seth's grave?" Anna laughed.

"You spent too much time around Seth," Anna clapped her hand over her mouth as Summer's eyes filled with tears. "Oh god, I didn't mean it like that Summer!"

"Is everything okay here?" Marissa approached. Anna fled, leaving Marissa to comfort a grieving Summer.

Anna spotted Ryan standing alone in front of Seth's grave, picking at a plate of unripe fruit.

"Hey Ryan," she greeted him.

"Anna. How are you?"

"Not too well actually. You?" Anna inquired.

"The same," Anna nodded and began to walk away. "He loved you, you know."

"What?" Anna turned around.

"We were talking about it the other day. He loved you," Ryan repeated.

"He chose Summer," Anna pointed out.

"He wanted Summer. He loved you," Ryan told her.

"I loved him," Anna touched his headstone, her eyes filling with tears. "It doesn't matter." Ryan put his arm around Anna.

"He has a view of the sea," Ryan observed. "I was hoping he would."

"Yeah," Anna sighed. "It's a gorgeous day for sailing, I bet that's what Seth would be doing right now."

"Probably," Ryan agreed. "Do you thing there are oceans in heaven? Do you believe in heaven?"

"I don't know, but there are oceans here," Anna paused. "What do you say Ryan, join me in a Seth Cohen memorial sail?"

"I'm not a very good first mate," Ryan warned. "But if you'll have me?"

"Let's get out of here."


	3. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 3/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 3/20** _   


Ryan parked at the house and walked down the steep path to the beach where Seth's boat was docked.

Anna was already aboard "Summer's Breeze," her shoes off and nice pants rolled up to her knees, involved in the complicated process of preparing the boat for sailing.

"Anna?" Ryan called up.

"Hey Ryan, come on up!" Anna commanded, "We're almost ready to go."

Ryan lept aboard.

"You might want to ditch your shoes," Anna advised. Ryan tossed them off the boat compliantly and watched them land on the sand with a thud.

"Anna?" Ryan asked. "Are you sure you're comfortable sailing 'Summer's Breeze'?"

"Sure. I've sailed plenty, and I know the 'Breeze' pretty well," Anna sighed as she double-checked the jig hanks which held the sail to the main sheet. "Seth trusted me with her."

"The name, does it bother you?" Ryan wondered finding a relatively out-of-the-way spot to sit.

"What the 'Summer's Breeze'? Not really. It's actually quite pretty if you don't get the allusion," Anna observed.

"But you get the allusion," Ryan pointed out as Anna untied the boat from the dock and pushed it away from the dock.

"True," Anna agreed as she hopped back into the boat and began to let out the main sheet. "But it was Seth, you know? Part of his mystique. Ryan, will you grab the tiller and hold it straight please?" Anna interrupted herself. Ryan seized the tiller and refused to yield to the boat's desires.

"Got it. You were saying?" Anna tied off the line and sat across from Ryan.

"Just that even the most annoying things about Seth were kind of part of his charm," Anna explained.

"Says the embittered ex-girlfriend?" Ryan wondered, trailing his hand in the cool water of the Pacific. Anna was silent for a while, getting up occasionally to adjust the main sail. Standing next to the main mast and gazing out to sea Anna observed,

"Seth would like this."

"It's better than finger food and striped awnings," Ryan agreed. Anna turned sharply.

"That sounded just like something Seth would say."

"Did it?" Ryan seemed pleased. "I miss him."

"I feel guilty missing him," Anna admitted sitting next to the tiller across from Ryan.

"Me too."

"Really, why? You're his brother, and his best friend," Anna protested.

"Friend maybe. I like to think of myself as Seth's brother, but let's be honest I'm just some foster kid the Cohen's took in eight months ago," Ryan pointed out.

"You are his brother," Anna assured Ryan, nudging the tiller starboard. "Seth thought so, said so even."

"Maybe," Ryan acknowledged. "So, why do you feel guilty missing your best friend?"

"Were we best friends?" Anna wondered. "Were we really close at the end? I was a friend, and an ex-girlfriend. That's it."

"That isn't it," Ryan protested "That's a lot, and, for the record, Seth considered you one of his closest friends. He was all mixed up, but he cared for you." Anna offered a half-smile.

"It's nice to hear anyway. Besides even if all that is true, I still miss him in a totally inappropriate way. Only Summer has a right to feel like this," Anna stared into the murky depths of the ocean.

"You still love him," Ryan hadn't meant for it to be a question but Anna answered anyway.

"I cared for Seth, but I don't think I fell for him again until I heard he was dead," Anna paused. "Is that really twisted?"

"Want my opinion?" Ryan asked, Anna nodded, "You're grieving. Upset. How you grieve, what you grieve for, I think that's different for everybody. There are things I miss about Seth, that, I don't think I'd want to admit to anyone. They're just so private, and some are so embarrassing, that I'll keep them inside. I think that's what people get wrong about the grieving process. Sandy and Kirsten keep wanting to talk. It isn't just about sharing, it's about treasuring private memories and keeping them private."

"Thanks Ryan," Anna said seriously before starting to giggle.

"What?"

"Nothing," Anna paused. "I just think that that is the most I've ever heard you say at one time!"

"It's getting late," Ryan observed. "Shall we head back?" Anna turned the tiller to the port side allowing the boat to make a gradual U-turn.

"Aye, aye Captain!"

The ride home was a quiet one, both passengers thinking of a boy they loved who had died too soon. As they approached the cove where the boat was docked Anna sighed.

"This was nice," she said softly, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"It was. I think maybe, do you want to make the Seth Cohen Memorial Cruise a yearly tradition?" Ryan suggested. Anna smiled gently in the near-dark.

"I think that's a very good idea," Anna agreed bringing the boat in to dock. Ryan hopped onto the dock to tie up "Summer's Breeze".

"Thanks Ryan, I can finish up here. Now go inside and talk to Kirsten and Sandy," at Ryan's look of protest Anna added, "really talk with them. They lost their son."

"Agreed," Ryan retrieved his shoes off the beach. "Hey Anna?"

"Yeah?" Anna called back, busy taking down the rigging and stowing it.

"Um, call me later," Ryan requested uncomfortably.

"Sure."


	4. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 4/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 4/20** _   


Ryan immediately headed for the main house, still carrying his shoes.

Kirsten and Sandy sat at the kitchen table which was covered in piles of paper and food prepared by well-wishers.

"Ryan, you're home! I was worried sweetie," Kirsten got up and hugged him.

"I'm sorry. I told you guys Anna and I were going sailing," Ryan reminded them.

"I know. I just thought you would be home earlier," Kirsten returned to her seat at the table. Ryan sat across from her next to Sandy.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to worry you," Ryan apologized.

"Not a problem," Sandy glanced up from the documents he was reading.

"So, you guys want to talk?" Ryan asked abruptly.

"You want to talk?" Sandy stared at him before signing a document.

"I just thought you guys might want to, but if you're busy..."

"Actually Ryan," Sandy handed Kirsten the document, "sign this please, we are pretty busy."

"Yes, you'd be stunned how much paperwork there is to fill out when your son dies," Kirsten grumbled bitterly.

"Um, okay," Ryan pushed away from the table. "I guess I'll go."

"Okay sweetie. Goodnight," Kirsten dismissed him. "Sandy? What exactly am I signing?"

"Um, something about re-absorbing the assets of deceased," Sandy muttered.

"The deceased?" Kirsten said angrily. "Seth isn't the deceased, he isn't lost, or gone, or late, or absent or missing. He's *dead.* Your son is dead!"

Ryan quickly left the kitchen.

He flopped down on his bed in the pool house and sighed deeply. He missed Seth. He really, really missed Seth. It was hard to remember sometimes that he was dead and not just spending more time than usual at Summer's.

Ryan closed his eyes as the memories of Seth overpowered him, those uncomfortable first days in Newport, the two of them hanging out on the pier, sailing, the stupid dances, at school, playing video games, borrowing comic books, Seth randomly barging into the pool house. God he was going to miss that kid.

The memories drifted into dreams.

******

"DON'T PATRONIZE ME SANDY!" It was 1 o'clock in the morning and Ryan could hear Kirsten's angry yelling in the pool house. He couldn't hear what Sandy replied, but apparently Kirsten didn't like the answer.

"THAT'S BULLSHIT! IT'S YOUR FAULT HE DIED! YOU KILLED SETH!" Kirsten screamed in agony.

"THERE WAS NOTHING ANYONE COULD DO KIRSTEN! SETH'S DYING WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Sandy responded furiously.

"ARE YOU SURE?!" Kirsten's angry voice echoed through the pool house. Ryan pulled his covers up to his chin like a scared little kid.

'If Seth were here, he'd know what to do,' Ryan couldn't help thinking. 'Anna's the next best thing to Seth' he decided. 'I'll call her.'

At 1:17 am Anna's telephone rang, waking her from dreamless sleep.

"What's wrong?" She asked automatically. Late night calls were rarely good news, especially recently.

"Anna, it's me. Ryan," He whispered into the phone.

"Ryan? What's going on?" Anna sat up in bed.

"Kirsten and Sandy are fighting. I miss Seth," Ryan said shakily.

"Yeah?" Anna encouraged, switching on her bedside light.

"I just keep thinking about him. He'd know what to do. He always knew what to do," Ryan broke down.

"It seems that way some time," Anna agreed gently. Ryan just sobbed in response. "It's okay Ryan, it's okay."

Anna listened to Ryan cry. Eventually the tears began to subside.

"Feeling better?" Ryan sniffled.

"I hadn't cried for Seth yet," Ryan told her.

"Oh," Anna said inadequately.

"Thank you. I was suffocating in grief and now I feel like I can breathe," Ryan explained.

"I'm glad. Have Kirsten and Sandy stopped fighting?" Anna asked.

"For now," Ryan stated.

"For now? How did your talk with the Cohen's go?" Anna wondered.

"They were too busy," Ryan told her, "Apparently there's a lot of paperwork to fill out after your kid dies."

"Kirsten and Sandy blew you off to do paperwork?" Anna was incredulous.

"They were perfectly nice about it," Ryan defended them, "and then they started fighting and I left."

"Wow, Mr. and Mrs. Cohen fighting, I can't even picture it," Anna murmured.

"Yeah. The last couple of days are starting to take their toll around here," Ryan realized. Anna yawned.

"Oops! Sorry," she apologized.

"No, it's okay. It's late. Jesus Anna it's 2:07 am. I'm sorry!" Ryan was contrite.

"It's fine, really. I'm glad you called me," Anna assured him.

"I'm glad too. Goodnight Anna," Ryan said goodbye to Anna.  
"'Night Ryan," Anna waited until she heard the dial tone before she hung up. She turned off the light and cuddled under the covers.


	5. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 5/20

  
  
  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 5/20** _   


Ryan was awakened by a light tapping on the pool house door. He knew automatically that it wasn't one of the Cohen's. Sandy usually just banged on the door and then walked in, Kirsten tended to knock once and then call to him, and Seth, well Seth was dead and remembering that sent shockwaves of pain through Ryan's body.

The tapping hadn't stopped. Ryan groaned. It sounded feminine. Anna maybe? Ryan was embarrassed by the memory of calling her in the middle of last night. He got up anyway, and pulled the drapes away from the windows. Marissa. Ryan seriously considered not opening the door, sheer politeness made him actually open it.

"Did I wake you?" Marissa asked. "I thought you'd be up."

"I had a bad night," Ryan told her. "I didn't fall asleep until almost three."

"Oh, sweetie I'm so sorry. For everything," Marissa apologized.

"It's fine," Ryan said monosyllabically. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm staying with my mom," Marissa reminded him.

Ryan almost asked her if they had heard Sandy and Kirsten last night, but he decided he'd rather pretend the whole thing didn't happen.

"I just wanted to check you," Marissa explained. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Really? 'Cause when my Grandma died-" Ryan interrupted her.

"Your Grandma? My brother was killed. My best friend in the world is dead and you want to tell me about your grandmother?!" Ryan exploded. Marissa backed away from him in fear and Ryan couldn't care less.

"I'm sorry," Marissa said softly. "I was just trying to help you."

"I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP!" Ryan screamed. "You want to help someone? Go help fucking OLIVER! Go home, get out of here Marissa!" Ryan commanded. He watched Marissa flee with grim satisfaction.

"Ryan? Marissa?" Kirsten peeked out of the kitchen. "I heard you arguing honey, is everything okay?"

"' Cause you're the only one allowed to start fights around here?" Ryan grumbled sarcastically. Ryan asked sulkily. Kirsten crossed the yard to stand with him.

"What are you talking about?" Kirsten was puzzled.

"I heard you and Sandy last night. The whole neighborhood heard," Ryan said emotionlessly.

"Sweetie, I'm so sorry. That must have been so scary-"

"Kirsten. I'm not a child," Ryan interrupted.

"I'm sorry sweetie. This is just a stressful time for all of us," Kirsten pointed out.

"Stressful? Stressful?! Seth is dead and you basically accused Sandy of murdering him!" Ryan yelled at his foster-mother. He expected Kirsten to storm off, he wouldn't have been shocked if she'd slapped him, he did not expect her to burst into tears. Ryan hugged her uncomfortably, "I'm sorry Kirsten."

"No. You're right," Kirsten sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I was out-of-line last night and I owe Sandy a huge apology." Kirsten walked back towards the kitchen.

"Oh Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"You might want to think about apologizing to Marissa," Kirsten advised.

"You're right," Ryan agreed. "Let me just go get dressed first."

"Good idea," Kirsten laughed.


	6. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 6/20

  
  
  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 6/20** _   


By the time Ryan had finished apologizing to Marissa the yelling had resurfaced at the Cohen's.

"Good job apologizing Kirsten," Ryan muttered to himself as he grabbed his keys. He decided to head to Newport beach. It was always crowded there, and it would at least be distracting.

Amazingly Ryan actually found a legal parking spot down a street of beach houses.

Once on the beach Ryan was overtaken by the need to be alone. He liked being alone and Seth could never-

"Damn you Seth," Ryan muttered interrupting his Seth-centered thoughts. Ryan stormed down to the water's edge. He picked up a large rock and heaved it into the ocean.

"DAMN YOU SETH!" he screamed.

"Interesting sentiment Chino. Can't say I share it," Ryan turned guiltily. He hadn't meant to lash out at his dead brother.

"Summer. Hey," Ryan studied the ground intently. He didn't want to see the furious expression she was surely wearing.

"Come walk with me," Summer took Ryan's arm and steered him to the pier. Rather to Summer's surprise, Ryan didn't resist.

The two walked in silence away from the crowds on the beach. Under the pier Summer stopped to pick up a shell. "So, you're pissed off at Seth."

"I don't mean to be," Ryan was defensive. "I don't want to be."

"I get it Ryan. There are times when I'm pretty annoyed with Cohen myself," Summer admitted to Ryan.

"But not right now?" Ryan asked.

"Nope," Summer picked up another shell and handed it to Ryan.

"What's this?" Ryan was surprised by the action. Summer rolled her eyes.

"Sea shell," she resisted adding 'duh'.

"No kidding. Why'd you give it to me?" Ryan pressed. Summer shrugged.

"It's pretty."

"It's some dead animal's leftovers," Ryan pointed out. He slipped the shell into his pocket anyway.

"We should all be lucky enough to leave something beautiful behind us when we die," Summer observed before biting her lip to keep the tears from spilling out of her eyes.

"Summer," Ryan gently put a hand on her shoulder, "Seth left us with lots of good memories."

"But he still left," Summer kicked at the sand.

"Yeah. He did," Ryan agreed picking up a shell. "This one kind of reminds me of you."

"Eww, it's ugly!" Summer was indignant.

Ryan turned over the mussel shell, revealing its iridescent interior.

"See? Just like you, nasty and rough and black on the outside, but smooth and sweet and pretty inside. I finally get what Seth liked about you Summer."

"Are you saying I'm nasty looking?" Summer pretended not to be touched by Ryan's comments, though she accepted the shell.

"Yep," Ryan agreed cheerfully. "So, are we really going to walk all the way to Balboa?"

"You have somewhere better to be Chino?" Summer asked.

"No, I guess not," Ryan realized and the two of them walked down the beach gathering seashells.


	7. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 7/20

  
  
  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 7/20** _   


Ryan actually had a good time with Summer walking down the beach. They had talked some, a lot about Seth and a little about Marissa, but mostly been quiet and Ryan wished he'd gotten to know Summer sooner. It was with reluctance that Ryan pulled into the Cohen driveway. The house was dark and Ryan wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not. Ryan unlocked the door and walked into the kitchen. In the dark kitchen Sandy sat with a glass and a bottle of Scotch.

"Sandy?" Ryan whispered. Somehow whispering seemed appropriate.

"Ryan," the man's voice was hollow and desolate.

"Can I sit with you?" Ryan asked. When Sandy did not respond Ryan sat. Sandy ignored him and poured another glass of Scotch. The bottle was nearly empty and Ryan had a funny feeling it had been a fresh bottle. He pulled it away from Sandy. "You've had enough."

"My kid's dead. I'm allowed," Sandy sounded like a petulant child.

"My best friend is dead," Ryan countered and took a swig himself. It burned and the burning made Ryan realize how stupid the scene was. He stood up abruptly and turned on the kitchen lights. Sandy looked haggard and worn as he blinked at the bright lights. Ryan doubted he had shaved or showered since Seth's funeral.

"Mmmph," Sandy muttered. Still carrying the whiskey bottle, Ryan walked over to the sink and poured it out. He couldn't stop Sandy from drinking, but he could make it just a little less easy.

"What are you doing to yourself?" Kirsten stormed into the kitchen angrily. "What do you think Seth would think?"

Ryan looked pityingly at Sandy as he left the kitchen.

"Where do you think you're going?" Kirsten demanded of him.

"I have school tomorrow," Ryan explained, "and I haven't finished my homework."

"It's too soon," Kirsten argued.

"I need to go to school," Ryan said firmly before walking out of the main house.

In the sanctuary of the pool house Ryan sighed with relief. He saw the answering machine had messages on it and hit the play button.

"Hey. I haven't heard from you in two days. I thought you were going to come by yesterday. Call me baby, I'm worried." Theresa, Ryan didn't want to deal with her yet. She hadn't known Seth well and Ryan wasn't ready to tell her about him.

"Ryan it's Marissa, just wanted to check on you. Are you coming to school tomorrow? I'm still at my mom's if you need a ride, or anything else. Well, okay, bye." Ryan sighed, maybe someone should tell Marissa she was trying just a little too hard.

"Um, hey Ryan it's Anna. Haven't heard from you all day, which is fine. I just, after last night I wanted to talk to you. Give me a call," Anna left her number. Ryan smiled. He would call Anna back, he owed her an apology if nothing else. She answered on the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Anna? It's Ryan."

"Hey. H-hey," Anna forced herself not to ask how he was. His best friend had just died, he was obviously not okay. "How was your day?"

"Oh you know, screamed at Marissa, argued and made up with Kirsten, apologized to Marissa, ran into Summer at the beach and had a nice afternoon with her, came home to a drunk Sandy and poured his whiskey down the sink, fought with Kirsten again and this time didn't make up, and called you. How was your day?" Ryan asked.

"It was alright. Not nearly as eventful as yours," Anna laughed. "So what's up with you and Kirsten?"

"I don't know really. She just keeps picking fights, mostly with Sandy," Ryan explained.

"I'm sorry. I know it sucks," Anna said sincerely, "but God, she must be hurting so much!"

"She is, so is Sandy. I can't see things getting better anytime soon, I don't know how they can get better."

"Me either. Try to be patient, I guess," Anna advised. After a pause she asked, "Are you going to school tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I don't want to stick around here if I can help it and it's not like I'll miss Seth any less here than I will at school," Ryan pointed out.

"True. Find me tomorrow?" Anna requested.

"Sure. Oh, and Anna?"

"Yes Ryan?"

"Thanks for not asking how I am," Anna laughed.

"No problem."


	8. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 8/20

  
  
  
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_**[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 8/20**_  


Ryan looked around Harbor high school. It was hard to believe the last time he had been here was with Seth and that had only been a few days ago. Ryan sighed as he unlocked his locker.

"Ryan!" Marissa approached him. "I didn't think you'd be here today.

"Yeah," Ryan was uncomfortable. "Didn't want to get stuck with tons of make-up work."

It occurred to Ryan suddenly that Seth would never have to do make-up work again. He wouldn't graduate from high school or college. Seth wouldn't get married or have kids. Ryan stared at his feet and took a deep breath and then another.

"Ryan?" Marissa asked.

"I need to... go," Ryan hurried down the hall. Marissa shut his locker door for him.

Ryan careened down the hallways until Anna physically stopped him by grabbing onto his backpack and becoming dead weight.

"Hey Ryan," Anna greeted him, still hanging onto his backpack.

"Anna. Let go. Please?" Ryan pleaded.

"Only if you promise you won't run off," Anna required.

"Fine."

"Fine," Anna let go and walked around to face him. "Do you want to tell me about what that was about?"

"I was thinking about all the make-up work I'm going to have-"

"And that made you go running through the halls screaming. Makes perfect sense," Anna assured him. Ryan winced. "I'm sorry. Go ahead."

"You just, that was something Seth would have said," Ryan noted.

"Yeah. But with an opening like that who could resist?" Anna wondered apologetically.

"I could."

"You know, I bet you could," Anna agreed. "But you were telling me why you flipped out."

"Right. I was thinking about make-up work," Ryan gave Anna a look. She mimicked zipping her lips shut, "and I realized that Seth will never have to do make up work, or graduate, or get married and have kids, or sail the Caribbean, or do any of the things he want to do when he grew up."

"Oh," Anna sighed. "That's really... I'm sorry I made fun of you."

"It's fine Anna. I'm not made of glass, I won't break," Ryan was slightly annoyed.

"Oh I know you won't," Anna laughed as Summer approached them. "Summer!"

"Hey Anna, Ryan," Summer offered a small smile. Anna embraced her.

"Summer," Anna sniffled unexpectedly, burying her head in her friend's shoulder. Summer patted Anna's back awkwardly and looked at Ryan questioningly.

"I had a rough couple of minutes," he explained. "I think it may have rubbed off on Anna."

"It's not that, exactly," Anna's voice was muffled by Summer's shoulder. "Summer just makes me wanna cry."

"What is it down on Summer week? First Ryan says I'm nasty looking and now you're saying I make you want to cry. And of course my boyfriend is dead." Summer felt the tears well-up in her eyes as her joke fell flat. "Damn it. I promised myself I was going to get through the whole school day without crying!" Anna let go of Summer, her eyes red from crying.

"Sorry about your shirt," Anna apologized.

"Don't be dumb," Summer wiped her tears away. She looked at Ryan expectantly. "Well?"

"Well what?" Ryan asked.

"Are we staying here and going to class or are we ditching?" Summer asked. Ryan pondered for a moment. "As much as I'd love to declare the first annual Seth Cohen Memorial Ditch Day," he replied, "I think I need to try to get through this. You guys go though."

"No, you're right," Anna assured Ryan.

"Yeah, we should at least try to get through the morning," Summer decided. "At lunch we can decide about the afternoon."

The bell rang and the three scattered off to their respective classes.

******

Anna was still dabbing at her eyes when Ryan sat down across from her at the table in the courtyard.

"Tough day?" He asked.

"Have you had Western Civ yet?" Anna replied.

"No. Why?" Ryan asked.

"I can guess," Summer slid in to the spot next to Anna and put an arm around Anna's shoulder. "All we did today was take notes on when kings were born, crowned..."

"...And died. I just kept seeing his gravestone in my mind," Anna sighed, "I can't believe I broke down in the middle of a class!"

"Don't feel too bad. There was a word problem about sailing in math," Ryan shook his head.

"Guys, this is pathetic!" Summer declared. "Seth would be so mad!"

"Please. Seth was totally self-absorbed, he'd probably be flattered!" Anna exclaimed.

"Nice Anna," Summer scowled.

"He was and you know it. It was all part of the Cohen charm," as Anna said it she regretted it. Summer's scowl morphed into a grimace of pain. "Summer,"

She held up a hand, cutting Anna off.

"Just... give me a sec. Please?" Summer sucked in a deep breath of air. "Sorry, it's just God it hurts at the most unexpected moments."

"I know," Ryan put a hand on Summer's arm. "When I went to get breakfast this morning, his Captain Crunch is still in the cabinet. It's *cereal* for gods sake, and it totally gutted me."

"Yeah?" Anna said sympathetically. "I got an e-mail from Seth last night, asking about the Econ. homework, and he sent me a link I'd asked him for like a month ago. He must have sent it right before, you know and I hadn't checked my mail since. I sat there and sobbed at the computer for literally an hour."

"Really?" Summer asked. "I got a letter in my locker from him the day after he died. I haven't opened it yet. I wasn't ready."

"When is this going to get easier?" Anna demanded and then looked at Ryan curiously.

"I don't know Anna. I've never lost anyone like Seth before," Ryan ran his hand through his hair.

"Don't look now, but here come Marissa and Luke. To offer condolences I imagine," Summer rolled her eyes.

"And ask how we're doing," Ryan added. "If one more person asks how I'm doing..."

"Sum!" Marissa hugged her friend from behind. "I didn't see you this morning. I thought maybe you decided to stay home. How are you? Are you okay?"

"Fine," Summer glanced at Anna and Ryan and forced herself not to giggle, "thanks Coop."

"Sucks about Cohen," Luke muttered.

"That's one way of putting it Luke," Anna half-smiled at him.

"Anna!" Marissa admonished, "How can you smile at a time like this?"

Ryan bit his lip to keep from smiling himself.

"How can you not? It's a gorgeous day. The sun is shining, spring is coming..." Anna trailed off now grinning broadly.

"Seth is dead," Marissa said flatly. The smile vanished from Anna's face.

"Coop, Anna knows that," Summer said gently. "We all do. It's better to smile, harder, but better."

"I..." Marissa glanced at Anna.

"It's okay Marissa," Anna said calmly, grateful when the lunch bell rang. "Time for class!"


	9. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 9/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 9/20** _   


There was no one home when Summer got back from school and she was glad.

She hurried up to her room and took Seth's letter out of her desk drawer. Setting it on the desk Summer began to prepare for her last date with Seth.

She took a shower using the shampoo Seth liked the best, even though Summer thought it made her hair look dull. Summer shaved and used the body wash that Seth bought her to match her favorite perfume. Out of the shower Summer pinned her hair into a French twist, leaving the ends loose. She curled the loose strands of hair and spritzed on perfume. Summer put on the dress she'd bought for Spring formal. It was a simple floor-length lavender chiffon gown, not her usual style, but Seth would have liked it. Carefully Summer applied light make-up and just the right amount of body shimmer. She wandered around her room putting scented votive candles on most available surfaces. It was four-fifteen, still too early for a date.

In her formal-wear Summer went down to the kitchen for some scissors. Scissors in hand, she walked into the garden. She cut a handful of daffodils, a few irises, the last of the pale pink roses, and a few white ones too. Returning to the kitchen Summer carefully arranged her bouquet in a crystal vase. Cautiously Summer carried the flowers back upstairs, glad she hadn't put on her shoes yet. In her room Summer set the bouquet on her desk.

"Thank you Cohen," she whispered, embarrassed that she was pretending the flowers were from Seth.

She moved a candle away from the bouquet. Four-forty-five. Was five too early for dinner if they were going to a dance at six, or a movie after dinner? Probably not. She slipped on her high heels.

Summer lit the candles and turned off the lights. She took a deep breath, why was she so nervous?

Summer picked up Seth's letter and sat on the edge of her bed. Her hands shook. It was stupid and weak, but there aren't exactly etiquette rules on how to handle the death of your boyfriend. Especially when he leaves a note.

Oh god, he'd left a note.

What if Seth hadn't been killed? What if it was deliberate?

"No," Summer told herself, "he e-mailed Anna and asked about homework. Someone about to commit suicide doesn't ask for homework assignments."

So, not a suicide note. That didn't necessarily mean the letter was good news. It could be a Dear John letter. Or a here's-the-five-bucks-I-borrowed note. It didn't matter, Summer decided. No matter what, the note was from Seth. She was scared, but so excited. This was possibly the next-best-thing to being with Seth again.

Summer turned on her stereo to a carefully selected CD. She entered the track number and checked to make sure it was on repeat. Nervously Summer pushed play and soothing piano music filled the room.

It was an old CD. Summer had been ten the year this CD had been popular. Seth probably wouldn't have enjoyed the sappy musical stylings of Donna Lewis, but they comforted Summer and this song was oh-so-apt.

_If I could put you on top of a cake I would ice you, And keep you wrapped up in a box to be near you. If I could, I would._

Summer didn't have much of a box of souvenirs with Seth. They hadn't been dating long enough, but if she did she would revere them.

_If I could touch you again with my fingers so gently, If I could feel you breathing in time next to me,_

Summer remembered the first time she had woken up next to Seth. How loved he'd made her feel, wanting to see her the next morning. He had convinced her it wasn't just about the sex.

_But the silence surrounds me, Flashing memories of you, riding with the moon that night, I never had the chance to say goodbye, goodbye._

No one had gotten a chance to say goodbye to Seth, and that was what made this so hard. That was the point of this date.

_Lost forever, lost to another world, Gone forever, but remembered in our thoughts you are._

Summer wondered if Seth had any idea what an impact he'd made on his family and friends, Ryan and Anna specifically. Or at Harbor, people actually missed him. Seth would have been shocked.

_If I could open the heavens above I'd be with you, If I could hold you again in my arms I would tell you, That I love you_

She should have told him that, definitely. Summer hadn't been certain, but she did love him. Very much. The song started over and Summer opened the envelope.

_Dear Summer,_

She could hear Seth's voice in her head. Summer turned off the music.

_Dear Summer,   
I was thinking about you earlier. In Western Civ. actually, watching you flip your hair. I was thinking how great it is that I know about that little mole at the base of your skull. How many other people know about that mole? Three? Five? I love that mole. Say "Eww" if you must, you know you want to... but I love that mole. I love everything about you. I love you Summer. I don't think I tell you that enough, grand Coffee-cart- declarations aside, but I do love you.   
Love, Seth   
PS- Call me later_

Summer burst into tears, not caring about the mascara that streamed down her face. He loved her, she loved him, and they could never be together.


	10. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 10/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 10/20** _   


The phone rang as Anna was finishing her Trig homework. She didn't feel like talking much, but she picked up the phone anyway.

"Hello?"

"Anna?" Summer sounded like she had been crying.

"Yeah. What's going on Summer?" Anna asked with concern.

"I, um, I did something dumb," Summer admitted.

"How dumb?" Anna asked. "Are you drunk?"

"Not that dumb. I just wondered if you want to come over and talk," Summer asked.

"Why? Isn't that what Marissa is for?" Anna didn't mean to be mean, she just didn't understand what Summer wanted.

"This isn't really a Marissa conversation," Summer elaborated. "Will you come? Please?"

"Sure. Of course," Anna agreed wondering what she was getting herself into. "I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Okay, good," Summer hung up.

Anna grabbed her purse and headed for Summer's.

******

Summer was wearing a formal dress when she opened the door. Her make-up was streaked down her face and her hair was a mess. Anna hugged her tightly.

"Thanks for coming Anna," Summer said graciously.

"I'm happy to do it," the formalness of this greeting was strange. "Summer...?"

"Let me hold on to my dignity, please Anna?" Summer's grace and poise affected Anna.

"Of course," Anna nodded. Summer gestured for Anna to follow her into the kitchen. Two glasses of water were waiting and Summer sat.

"I thought you might respect that, my clinging to dignity," Summer observed, and she struck Anna as so much older.

"You just make such a romantically tragic figure," it was half joke and Anna knew it was inappropriate when she said it. Summer nodded.

"That's what you meant at school when you said looking at me made you want to cry, isn't it?" Summer pressed. Anna nodded.

"It has to suck for you. But I, everyone really, see you as part of a real-life Romeo and Juliet and it's hard to remember that what's happened is real. That Seth is really gone and never coming back," Anna explained.

"That's the difference between you and me," Summer stated. "You don't have to cling to dignity."

"I don't see what you mean," Anna admitted.

"You're so confident, comfortable in your own skin. For you, diginity is on the inside and it couldn't slip away if you wanted it to. My dignity is all based on appearances. That's why we're in the kitchen, and not upstairs," Summer took a deep breath. "I have something to show you."

The two girls, who were both feeling a little older than is strictly girlish, made their way upstairs. Summer opened the door to her bedroom.

The candles have been extinguished and the bed has been lain in, but it's obvious to Anna that something had happened here. Summer sat at the foot of her bed and gestured for Anna to sit with her.

"I told you about the letter Seth left me. Well I decided to open it," Summer began.

"Oh," Anna was beginning to understand why Summer had called her.

"It seemed wrong to just rip it open, so I did something dumb," Summer continued, burying her face in her hands.

"What?" Anna put her arm around her friend. "What did you do?"

"You'll think it's pathetic," Summer murmered. "This was a bad idea."

"Whatever it is, I won't think it's pathetic," Anna assured Summer. "But you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"I went on a date. My last date with Seth," Summer blurted out and saying it made everything hurt even more.

"That isn't pathetic Summer, it's sweet."

"It's weird. It's creepy," Summer grumbled.

"It isn't. Remember how I told you about the e-mail I got from Seth?" Anna waited for Summer's nod. "Well, I didn't tell you, I e-mail him back. Everyday."

"You do?" Summer sniffled.

"Yeah. And the other day, after the funeral, Ryan and I took Seth's boat out for a sail," Anna revealed. "So if you're pathetic, we're all pathetic."

"Really? I'm not the only one?" Summer was relieved.

"Nope. None of us got a chance to say goodbye. We're all just doing the best we can," Anna told Summer.

"Good to know." Summer sat up straight, her face a mask of serenity. The smeered make-up the only indication that Summer had been hurting.

"I hate when you do that," Anna muttered.

"What?"

"'Maintain your dignity'. You just put up a wall and it's like nothing happened," Anna observed.

"So?"

"Something *did* happen just now. Something clicked between us and now you're pretending like it didn't. It makes me feel unsteady Summer. Like I don't know who you'll be next time I see you," Anna admitted. To Summer it felt like talking to Seth and Anna felt like she was speaking for Seth.

"I'll be the same. What do you mean?" Somehow Summer needed to keep this conversation going.

"Okay, like if I go home and have an upsetting dream about Seth, can I call you? If I see you at school tomorrow and wave, will you wave back? I don't know who you are so I don't know who to be for you," Anna summarized.

"I don't know who I am either Anna!" Summer embraced Anna and began to cry.

"That's okay, that we can work on," Anna assured as she stroked Summer's head.


	11. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 11/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_**[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 11/20**_  


"Are you sure you should be telling me this?" Ryan spoke into the phone.

"I did check with Summer," Anna was indignant. "What kind of friend do you think I am? Anyway, she wanted you know. She just didn't feel like she could open herself up like that again right now."

"I understand," Ryan told Anna.

"Thought you might. Summer wants the three of us to get together after school," Anna informed Ryan.

"I'll be there," Ryan agreed.

"You certainly seem less than chatty this evening," Anna noted. "Is something going on?"

"No. Sandy and Kirsten are both working pretty much non-stop, so it's pretty quiet around here," Ryan explained.

"Are you okay with that?" Anna pressed.

"Anna. You just got done coping with Summer. You don't really want to deal with me," Ryan pointed out.

"Will you stop being a pain?" Anna requested. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't care."

"Well since you asked..."

"Yes?"

"As glad as I am that Kirsten and Sandy aren't fighting, I feel kind of ignored. Not that it's their job to keep me entertained-"

"You're their *son* Ryan. They shouldn't be shutting you out," Anna protested.

"Not their real son. And, anyway, what am I supposed to do about it?" Ryan wondered.

"I don't know... Give me time. I'll think of something. The three of you just really need to sit down and talk," Anna advised.

"Funny, I don't think that'll be happening in the near future Anna," Ryan warned.

"Me either, but give me time."

"Speaking of time Anna, when did you go over to Summer's?" Ryan asked.

"Around seven, why?"

"It's ten now. We have school tomorrow, and I don't suppose you've finished your homework, have you?" Ryan inquired.

"No, *Mom*. Alright Ryan, I'll get back to work. 'Night."

"'Night Anna."


	12. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 12/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 12/20** _   


Marissa finally caught up to Summer in the parking lot after school.

"Sum!" Marissa put her hand on her best friend's shoulder. "I've been trying to talk to you for days."

"Marissa," Summer's small smile was gentle, affectionate. "I know you want me to talk to you, I know you want to fix this and I love you for that. But there are some things you can't just fix. There aren't any shortcuts or detours, some things you just have to go through."

"But you don't have to go through it alone!" Marissa protested. "I want to be there for you. I cared for Seth too." Summer hugged her friend and noted the role-reversal.

"We've done everything together since we were six. I mean, we started our periods together for goodness sake! Eventually we were going to have to be on our own. And that is now," Marissa began to protest. "I know. You're always there for me, I know that. But right now, I really need to do this on my own. I need to figure out who I am, who I really am," Summer explained.

"I get that, really. I know what it's like to have everything suddenly change and leave you totally confused," Marissa reminded Summer. "Take my word for it, adjust to your new life before you go off trying to figure out who you are. It's easier that way."

"I'm not sure I can," Summer admitted. "I think Seth's death and me being, well, me, they're both kind of tangled in each other."

"Let's work on it together," Marissa offered. Across the parking lot Anna and Ryan waved at Summer. "Or do you already have friends to take care of that?"

"Coop," Summer scolded. "They don't know me like you do, and in this case that might be a good thing. But you will always be my safety net, the one thing I can count on to never let me down."

Marissa looked unhappy, but she bit her lip and hugged Summer tightly. "Anytime, Summer. Whenever, wherever. I've got your back."

"I know that Coop, I know."


	13. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 13/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 13/20** _   


"So, where are we going?" Ryan asked as he climbed into the front seat of Summer's car.

"I don't know," Summer informed him as she pulled out of the parking lot, "the beach?"

"Which? There are lots of beaches around here," Anna pointed out.

"I know a place," Summer began driving north.

The car was strangely quiet during the ride. The radio was off, and somehow the silence was appropriate.

Summer pulled into the parking lot of Crystal Cove State Beach. Without speaking the three friends followed the long trail down to the beach.

"Seth would find this funny," Ryan stated.

"If he was here silence wouldn't be an issue," Anna observed.

"You're right He would have turned on the radio and started rambling," Summer agreed as they finally reached the shore.

"It's very quiet without him," Ryan stated softly.

Summer sat suddenly. She picked up a handful of sand and let it trickle through her fingers. Anna sat next to her and looked up at Ryan curiously.

He joined the girls with a thud.

"Silence again," Summer commented.

"Funny isn't it? Crashing waves, chirping birds, and all I feel is quiet," Anna observed.

"Yeah."

"Is this why you're always quiet Ryan? Do you just always feel still and contemplative?" Anna inquired.

"No," Ryan replied. The girls waited for him to elaborate. "It's a safety thing. All of Seth's talking used to seem naive."

"What does it seem like now?" Summer asked. Ryan shrugged,

"Strategy. I get in less trouble with my mouth shut. Seth was more successful being noticed and ignored."

Summer stared at the ground, "I ignored him for so long. I waited too long to get to know him."

Her tears dampened the sand. Anna rubbed her back.

"We all did," Ryan reminded her. "None of us knew really knew Seth for very long."

"True," Summer looked up, her face stained with tears.

Anna jumped up suddenly. She paced to the water and back again.

"Anna?" Ryan asked. Anna shook her head and kept walking.

"Anna?" Summer tried. Anna ignored her, continuing to pace as though she could chase her thought from her head.

Ryan caught Anna's arm and embraced her.

"Talk to us Anna. Please?" Summer requested.

Anna shook her head vigorously.

"You have to tell us," Ryan instructed Anna. "That's the whole point of us all being friends. Talk to us Anna."

Anna stepped away from Ryan. She sniffled, trying to fight back tears. She whispered, "This time last week, Seth was alive."

The realization left Ryan struggling to breathe.

Summer's reaction was somewhat different. She yanked Anna around to face her, and for the briefest moment Ryan thought that Summer might hit the other girl, but swiftly and surely Summer embraced Anna tightly.

Watching the scene unfold, Ryan understood that Summer loved as fiercely as she fought. It was something Ryan recognized in himself.

Ryan settled himself in the sand. He watched Anna regain her composure, and after checking to make sure Ryan was alright, she began to comfort Summer.

Anna was balance. Give and take. A shade of gray, the same shade of gray that Ryan knew himself to be.


	14. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 14/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 14/20** _   


As Ryan got out of Summer's car, he could hear Sandy yelling at Kirsten. Without thinking he headed down to the beach. He climbed aboard the "Summer's Breeze" and sat.

"So buddy, this is some pretty fucked-up stuff," Ryan said out-loud. "I mean, you get us all dependant on you and then you just leave. I trusted you man! I knew I shouldn't have, but I couldn't not trust you, you know? Then you left. You abandoned me, just like all the others. Like my dad, like Trey, like my mom. WHY DOES MY FAMILY KEEP LEAVING ME?" Ryan screamed at the sky.

"Dude, sorry. It's just been a long-ass week without you. I don't suppose you'd consider coming home, huh? 'Cause I'm sure heaven's nice and all, but do they have PlayStation? I know you don't believe in heaven, but I've got to man. 'Cause I can't wrap my brain around the thought of you just being totally gone. That's heavy shit, and I'm really sick of heavy shit," Ryan sighed.

"I miss you Seth. It's weird not hearing you yammering during breakfast, or following me around. School's a lonely place without you. I've been hanging out with Summer and Anna, they're cool girls. I'm not that guy though, you are," Ryan laughed cynically.

"Jesus Cohen, you must be loving this. It's all about you Oh-Self-Centered-One. Always. I wonder if it'll be like this forever. Damn, forever's a long time," Ryan kicked the boat in frustration. "Which reminds me dude, what am I gonna do about your parents? They're fighting all the time. Your dad is drinking a lot and Kirsten..." Ryan sighed in frustration. "I don't know what to do man. They love you so much. You know that right? They love you like crazy and they miss their son *so* bad," Ryan's voice was tinged with pain.

"Summer misses you too. And Anna. I don't know what to do about them either. They need me I think, and I guess I need them too. But... hell. You know what Seth? I'm just going to say it and for once you're going to have to keep a secret. I think I'm falling for Summer, and for Anna. They're both so strong, and beautiful, and loving, and taken. They're both still in love with you. You're my brother and my best friend, I'm not going to act on any of this. I just, I figured you have a right to know," Ryan shrugged.

"I feel weird, talking this much. My throat's starting to hurt. Guess you get used to it after awhile. I don't want to get used to it, I'm not cut out to be a talker. Even if I was, I don't want to take your place. I feel like I kind of have already. I mean, the Cohen's had one son, and they still do. How long before people forget that for awhile there were two of us? Or me hanging out with Summer and Anna. That used to be you. That should still be you," Ryan muttered. "I should be the one that died, not you. You have a girlfriend who loves you, a best friend who misses you like crazy, a family that's falling apart without you. It should have been me, Seth. Everything would be so much better if I would have died instead of you!"

Ryan kicked violently at the boat and smashed his hand into the railing. "Fuck. It's freezing out here. I miss being able to talk to you in the house. I guess I still could, but that would be weird. Weirder. A little more talking-to-myself than talking to you. Anyway, I should probably get going, but we'll hang out later."

Ryan got out of the boat and climbed the steep path back to the house.


	15. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 15/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 15/20** _   


When Ryan's phone rang early Wednesday morning it could only be one of two people.

"Hey. What's going on?" He answered the phone as if it was an average call and not a phone call at 3am on the one-week anniversary of his brother's death.

The gasping sobs of pain enabled Ryan to identify his caller. He was pretty sure that Summer would never call him until she was perfectly confused.

"Anna, sweetie, it's okay. You can talk to me," Ryan comforted his friend. She was too distraught to wonder how he had identified her.

"No Ryan, it's really not," her voice was breathless and full of pain.

"What happened?" Ryan hoped his tone was soothing.

"I...had a dream. About Seth," Anna hesitated.

"That's..." Ryan wasn't sure why Anna would be upset by a Seth dream, "...nice?"

"No it really wasn't at all," Anna stated. "More nightmare than dream, actually."

"Sorry," Ryan offered awkwardly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I was in the middle of the ocean, just standing on the water. It was a pretty day and then all of the sudden the sky turned black and the sea got rough. There was a flash of lightning and then Seth was standing there in front of me. I was so excited. I went to hug him, but he threw a lightning bolt at me. He was furious, and by then it was raining. I was soaked, but Seth was completely dry. He kept throwing lightning at me, but it all missed. I tried to get closer to him, but he started to cry and then I couldn't move. Somehow I caught a bolt of lightning and I could feel how angry he was at me. He wanted me dead. He thought it should have been me. I let go of the lightning and it zoomed back towards Seth. The lightning bolt went straight into his chest. I killed Seth. He hates me and I killed him!" Anna was agitated again.

"Anna," Ryan's voice was stern. "Seth loved you. You're his best friend and he loved you."

"His face," Anna sniffled, "you should have seen the hatred on his face."

"It was a dream," Ryan said gently. "I know you feel guilty for being alive when Seth's not, I do too, but Seth's dying was no one's fault."

"I know. My head knows," Anna corrected herself. "My heart's pretty confused right now."

"Mine too," Ryan thought but didn't say. Aloud he replied, "We'll get through this Anna. It'll be okay."

"You think?" Anna was dubious.

"Eventually, things will be okay," Ryan stated again. "What about you Anna? Are you okay?"

"Not really," Anna sighed. "It's late though. I'll let you get to bed."

"No," Ryan protested. "If you still need to talk, let's talk."

"You don't have to-"

"I want to Anna," Ryan interrupted. "You're my friend and I really want to help you be okay."

"Are you sure?" Anna was hesitant.

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it," Ryan told her. "Just accept my help and say 'thank you'."

"Okay," Anna took a deep breath, "Thank you, Ryan."


	16. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 16/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 16/20** _   


The morning after is always awkward. You lay bare before someone, blinded by need, caught up in the moment and afterwards logic takes hold of you. Logic and embarrassment and all of the stupid rules and conditions society has imposed. Ryan understood that, but it still hurt that Anna couldn't meet his eyes.

They were so intimate he and Anna, and Summer too. Not in the traditional sexual sense, but emotionally. They had held each other and cried, which in some strange way is more of an act of trust than sex is.

So Ryan understood why Anna was talking to the floor and not to him. He had been uncomfortable talking to her after he called her to cry, this was no different. But it hurt, being so suddenly shut off from her.

"Anna," Ryan interrupted her babbling. He grasped her chin and forced it upwards, Anna steadfastly continued to watch the ground. "Look at me."

She sighed. After a long moment she met his eyes. Anna bit her lip, clearly uncomfortable.

"Hi,"

"Better now?" Ryan asked with a smile.

"Better post-spazzy late night call or better post-awkward conversation?" Anna inquired.

"Yes or no, Anna?" Ryan pressed.

"Better. Yes," Anna answered. "Sorry, it's just..."

"I get it. I seem to recall an incident not long ago involving you grabbing onto me and forcing me to drag you around until I stopped and talked," Ryan reminded his friend who was so much more. Anna laughed out loud.

"I forgot about that!"

"Am I missing something fun?" Summer joined her friends. Ryan and Anna exchanged a look.

"I had a bad night," Anna explained.

"It's always awkward after that," Summer nodded her understanding.

"Yeah. We were just getting un-awkward," Ryan explained.

"'Kay." Summer turned to Anna, "What happened to make last night so hard?"

"I..." Anna bit her lip. The dream would only upset Summer, Anna didn't want to be responsible for causing her friend anymore pain. Summer misinterpreted Anna's hesitation.

"Now's not the time or place," Summer hugged her friend, "you can tell me about it later."

"I will," Anna assured her friend. She would tell Summer about the dream many, many years from now when pain and Seth have become distant memories. Anna met Ryan's eyes. He understood. The faulty connection between them was repaired by a single moment of eye contact.


	17. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 17/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 17/20** _   


Summer tapped awkwardly on the pool house door. It seemed wrong cornering Ryan in his own home, but she had to talk to him, and this was definitely a face to face thing.

"Summer," Ryan's expression was surprise mixed with pleasure.

"I'm worried about Anna," she plowed into the pool house without noticing Ryan's wince of disappointment.

"What about Anna?" Ryan asked, sitting next to Summer on his bed.

"She's been weird the past couple of days. Her freak-out on the beach, and then today she totally shut-down on me," Summer pointed out. "That's just so unlike Anna."

"Look Summer, I know what happened last night," At Summer's eager look Ryan added, "I'm not going to tell you, neither is Anna. It isn't my place, and Anna is trying to protect you."

"I don't need to be protected," Summer was indignant. Her next words were drowned out by yelling.

"GOD DAMN IT! DON'T TELL ME WHAT I ALREADY KNOW SANDY!" Kirsten's voice reverberated through the neighborhood. As was now common, Sandy's voice couldn't be heard. The loud crash of breaking glassware was audible however.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Kirsten bellowed. "I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING SON!" Ryan winced, "YOU TOOK HIM FROM ME!"

Summer wrapped her arms around Ryan, rested her head on his shoulder. He took a deep breath.

"We all need to be protected," he whispered, and it took Summer a second to figure out that he was referring to their interrupted conversation.

"WHAT ABOUT RYAN? HAVE YOU EVEN BOTHERED TO GIVE RYAN A SECOND THOUGHT?" Sandy's volume rose to match that of his wife.

"THE LAST TIME I SAW RYAN HE WAS POURING YOUR SCOTCH DOWN THE DRAIN!" Kirsten screamed. "WHAT WOULD SOCIAL SERVICES THINK OF THAT?"

"They'd probably be more concerned with the screaming and plate-breaking, actually," Ryan muttered. He turned to Summer, "I wish I could tell her that."

"Go for it," Summer encouraged. "I'll be here when you get back."

Taking strength from Summer's hug, Ryan marched out of the pool house, across the yard, and with slight hesitation, into the kitchen. The kitchen, heart of the Cohen home, currently Ground Zero.

"I thought I heard someone up," Ryan yawned as he made his way across the kitchen to the refrigerator, a million strategies for dealing with Sandy and Kirsten dancing through his head.

"Ryan, sweetie, this isn't a really good time," Kirsten pasted on a smile. "The grown-ups are talking."

"Only if you define talking as deafening screaming," Ryan slurped milk directly from the carton, "which I don't."

"You could hear that?" Sandy asked. Kirsten paled.

"Crystal clearly," Ryan returned the milk to the refrigerator. "I've heard the other fights too."

"Ryan I'm so-"

"Sorry?" Ryan guessed. "You've been saying that a lot lately Kirsten and I have to say actions speak louder than words."

Seated at a stool Kirsten covered her face with her hands. "I've been a terrible mother to you Ryan. And a terrible wife," she looked at Sandy, standing across from her.

"No," Sandy protested. Ryan and Kirsten glared at him. "Well a little. But you're hurting."

"We all are," Kirsten corrected, "and neither you nor Ryan are running around picking fights and accusing people of killing Seth."

"No. I'm drowning my sorrows in alcohol and work," Sandy pointed out, "and it's not like I haven't been contributing to the fights."

Ryan said nothing. It felt like the air was finally being cleared, but what if it started again? How long could he listen, before he believed what Sandy and Kirsten said?

"Ryan?" Sandy asked gently.

"Sorry, what?" Ryan inquired.

"How can we make this better for you? For all of us?"

Ryan felt tears spring to his eyes. "I'm sixteen years old Sandy, I'm a kid," Ryan's voice cracked, "I don't know how to fix this."

Sandy's swift embrace was startling.

"It's my turn to be sorry, Ryan. That was an unfair question. I'm the one who told you it was okay to be a kid, I need to let you be one," Sandy apologized. "I just don't know what to do."

"Maybe we should talk to someone," Kirsten suggested and Ryan realized he'd known the answer all along.

"We should talk to each other," Ryan stated. At Sandy and Kirsten's puzzled expressions Ryan elaborated, "that's how Anna and Summer and I get through it. We talk to each other. We force ourselves to say what we're thinking, feeling, no matter how much it hurts."

"Okay," Sandy stated. "So, what are you feeling Ryan?"


	18. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 18/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 18/20** _   


Gradually the days passed. Slowly days flowed into weeks and weeks into months and Anna and Ryan and Summer became a unit. They walked the halls together, ate lunch together, often left school together, and once or twice arrived together. Occasionally they spoke to someone outside themselves, Marissa or Luke perhaps. But in the natural progression of high school they became Anna-and-Ryan-and-Summer, a single entity to be referred to in one breath. Not that they were referred too all that often.

Everyone knew they were friends of that kid who'd died. He hadn't had many and these three had never quite gotten over it. Not that three months was enough time to move on, but it was enough time to start to try. They didn't seem to be trying to get over that Cohen kid though. They didn't socialize much, not with anyone else. Either Anna-Ryan-and-Summer were together or they were alone. There was no one else. Luke tried, and Marissa for awhile but apparently her patience had run out. For awhile there had been rumors of bizarre ménage a tois, rumors of necrophilia. They had disappated quickly, the novelty of Anna-and-Ryan-and-Summer had worn off and now they were rarely mentioned.

In the background Marissa had stopped all of the rumors. Quietly and calmly so that Anna and Ryan and Summer never heard them. Ryan had ignored her, and Summer had gently brushed her off, and for awhile Marissa was hurt and angry. But then she looked a little closer at the threesome she had once been so close to. Marissa saw how they healed one another, how gently they had taught each other how to laugh again. She hadn't understood before, wasn't sure she understood now, but Marissa knew she had to protect Summer and Ryan and Anna. They reminded her of a chrysalis, sealed off from the world to grow and become whole. She had to let them be, some day they would re-emerge into the world and Marissa would be waiting to greet them with open arms.

In the meantime, Marissa was a busy girl. Between protecting her friends and maintaining a façade of perfect Newport girl, she visited Seth frequently.

Lunch was a good time to drop by. The cemetery was quiet at noon. Marissa sat next to the tombstone and touched it gently. Sometimes she talked, sometimes not, but it had been awhile since she had visited and things needed to be discussed.

"Hey Seth. Sorry it's been so long," Marissa apologized softly. "Prom is turning into a disaster."

"You couldn't care less about Prom," Marissa cut her rant short. "Me either at this point." Marissa sighed.

"I'm avoiding the issue. I know I promised I'd leave them alone Seth, but it's been so long. I'm starting to get worried Seth. It's like they're completely unaware of the world. I know Ryan's parents, um, sorry, your parents, I know they were having some trouble there for awhile, but that's all fixed now. There's nothing left to hurt them," Marissa stopped herself. She rested her forehead against the cool stone of Seth's tomb and took a calming breath to ease her frustration.

"I didn't realize what a hard job it is watching out for your friends," Marissa muttered. "They're a stubborn bunch."

Eventually Marissa looked up and noticed the pale yellow butterflies zipping around nearby graves.

"Seth are you giving me a sign?" She asked in a tone that wavered between annoyed and amused. "Is this your oh-so-subtle way of telling me to lay off?"

As she asked Marissa knew she had her answer. She stood, silently thanked her friend, and walked back to her car.

She didn't know if Seth was really sending her signs, somehow she doubted it. But visiting Seth, sitting in the quiet with no distractions, Marissa could feel herself open up. She became more receptive, more aware of the world. If Seth hadn't died, if Marissa hadn't taken over the duty of watching over his friends, she never would have seen the butterflies, never would have seen the answer.


	19. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 19/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 19/20** _   


Marissa took a deep breath and stepped directly into Ryan's path as he attempted to leave school for the day.

"Ryan. We need to talk."

"Marissa, this isn't really a good time. I've gotta meet-"

"Summer and Anna?" Marissa guessed. "They'll wait, and this is important. I'm worried about you."

"Marissa, I appreciate the concern, but..." Marissa tuned out Ryan's 'I'm Okay' speech. She wondered vaguely how often he had to recite it. "...it takes time to move on."

"I know. But are you really moving on?" Marissa asked, guiding Ryan to a bench in the sun. "You spend all of your time with Anna and Summer. I understand that you guys needed to heal, but I think maybe you are getting too dependant."

"Marissa, thanks for caring, but really, I'm fine," Ryan stood to leave. Maybe three months ago, before her talks with Seth, Marissa would have let Ryan walk away. Not anymore.

"When was the last time you spoke to someone besides the Cohen's, Anna, Summer, Luke, or me?" Marissa asked.

"I've never been a big talker Marissa," Ryan pointed out coolly.

"Not the point. When Ryan? 'Cause I'm guessing it's been about two and a half, three months," Marissa accused.

"Wrong. I talked to Seth yesterday," Ryan snapped, trying to throw Marissa.

"Well I win. I talked to him at lunch," Marissa said matter-of-factly. Ryan returned to his seat next to her.

"You talk to Seth?"

"Someone's gotta keep an eye on you-and-Summer-and-Anna since he can't," and in a strange way Marissa's argument sounds perfectly logical.

"Yeah. Okay."

"So, when I visited Seth today he suggested that we have a little chat," Marissa continued. Ryan raised an eyebrow. Marissa ignored it. "You know you, Anna, and Summer have quite the little clique going?"

"So?"

"It's not good Ryan," Marissa explained. "You guys are healed. It's time to come out of your cocoon and face reality."

"We are facing reality."

"Really? When's Prom, Ryan? Which Harbor sports team won the most games this year? Who is running for senior class president? Answer one of these questions, any one, right and I'll disappear," Marissa challenged.

"I... I don't know. I guess I've been busy," Ryan shrugged, a little embarassed at how unaware he was of school activities.

"Doing what? Working for Kirsten? Helping Sandy? Long walks with Summer and, or, Anna?" Marissa asked. "You need to get a life."

"I guess I have been a little...insulated," Ryan acknowledged reluctantly.

"A little, and so have Anna and Summer," Marissa pressed. "Anna'd make a good class president, don't you think? We could really use Summer's help with the Prom committee. They're both completely oblivious to everything going on around you guys. Seth would be disappointed. He died, not you guys."

"Okay," Ryan accepted Marissa's statements. "What should I do?"

"Move on. Stop using your friends as crutches. Move on."


	20. [The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 20/20

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [knowing what's been lost](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/knowing+what%27s+been+lost)  
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_ **[The O.C.] Knowing What's Been Lost 20/20** _

Disclaimer: Though I've been playing with them for twenty chapters now, none of these characters belong to me...

Standing in their place on the cliffs of Crystal Cove State Beach, Ryan summarized Marissa's statements.

"She's not wrong," he concluded. "I love you guys like family, but..."

After a long pause, Summer stepped away from Ryan.

"I thought maybe the three of us, together, could be the same as Seth was. But we can't. No one can replace Seth. Not even people as amazing as you guys."

"I guess, if it's any consolation, no one can replace us either," Anna offered awkwardly. Summer nodded.

"You guys are my best friends in the world," Summer insisted. "No one can ever understand how much you mean to me. We've helped each other through a horrible time. But now... I think we need to stand on our own."

Ryan kissed Summer's cheek and then Anna's. He watched the two girls leave separately, thinking fondly of both of them.

Ryan realized there was someone else in the world for him. Not Anna, or Summer, or even Marissa. There was someone Seth hadn't touched, someone who could look at Ryan without searching for Seth. There was someone in the world that Ryan could love freely without feeling guilty about taking something of Seth's.

It had taken awhile, but Ryan had finally figured out the lesson in Seth's death. There is a difference between knowing what's been lost and being lost. Ryan, Anna, and Summer were well on their way to being found.

A/N: I suppose I should be sadder about this ending. But I stopped writing this awhile ago, so for me the end was really a few months ago. As always, thank you so much for reading, and reviewing.


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